Going with instinct

Today i took the plunge without realising that i was taking a plunge. I have created a new vision board, words on it are "Looking for an adventure, I'm not afraid, risk taker, beautiful, free, ready, risk, enjoying, meaningful, free, ready, risk, enjoy, meaningful life, body, superwoman, love that lasts, sky high, want adventure, accept yourself, temptation on very level" etc. I'm not sure exactly when this has happened but something has shifted, I'm not afraid anymore. I feel a sense of peace, of acceptance, of excitement even. I'm looking forward to my messages. I'm looking forward to just being. To do the very things that worry and frighten me. Things like saying to friends and family... I love you. This is the beginning of an open heart. I did mention that Claire and Johnnie cracked me open and Johnnie laughed! Little does he realise how serious Iam. Little does he realise how much he has been instrumental in opening up my heart.
ENTER CLAIRE!
I did say thatIwas going to introduce Claire at some point. Claire Westwood is an amazing, bundle of energy. I have really only known her for a few months. I got to know her through 2 of my friends who had heard me talking about becoming a life coach. Claire had written an article in the RCN Bulletin which, would it not have been for my friends, I wouldn't even have read. I was stressed to the maximum, in a job i thought i would love but hated due to a lot of different circumstances. I emailed her that same evening and we started communicating by email. When she phoned me one day i thought i was going to faint. It's like the phone a friend issue on " who wants to be a millionaire" and Chris Tarrant is on the phone and you don't know whether to shriek or be decidedly aloof and cool. Anyhow Claire being Claire she put me at ease and we chatted like old friends. When i told my friends they were not really surprised as they expected this of me!!!

I had registered to do a coaching Diploma with another company but i was struggling as i felt my personal needs were not being met. I wanted to pursue the spiritual side of coaching. I wanted to infuse love, feeling, spirit and all of me into coaching. I was lost. I got myself a coach but something was still missing. I felt that i was running before i could walk. I wasn't 'feeling' the coaching and the training and it was because i was not connecting with what i was doing. I emailed Claire and she phoned me. We discussed my spirituality and she was so warm and reassuring. She suggested a website which i followed up but still didn't 'feel' the connection. I was ecstatic when Claire emailed to say she was going to run her first ever Happy nurses coach training. i signed up without a thought. Money was tight but i knew that this was the right thing for me to do. It felt 'right'. Fast forward to the "big bang theory" of my life. 2009 was just beginning and i was "coming out". Claire told me that Johnnie was joining her in Happy nurses and was to be the co-trainer for the event. i must say that if you haven't seen or met Johnnie before, you won't understand my sentiments. You see, Johnnie is a delicious man i saw on stage when i attended a Christopher Howard event in September 2008. He was the ubber cool guy you only ever see and smile at from afar. He oozed charm, sex appeal but most of all kindness and genuineness. You will forgive me for thinking i was going to need full CPR when i met him. I asked Claire to ensure all the resus equipment was available on the day!Anyhow, the day of the course arrived and i was feeling excited, scared, confident and dizzy all at the same time. That week i met amazing, amazing people. i did not need any resuscitation as the kind and cool Johnnie turned out to be so lovely and reassuring and I forgot ALL about his looks . He was just like you and i, with the looks, the intelligence, the genuineness, but more spiritually evolved. Claire was and is amazing.
To cut a long story short, my life was transformed completely. I cannot put into words what i felt and how i feel right now. As Iyanla Vanzant aptly put it "my soul just opened up". I have always been guarded, stiff upper lipped, very mindful of what i do or say. I have always put the opinion of others before mine. i have done this much to the detriment of my own soul, my needs and this has led to great pain and sadness, resentment and anger. Johnnie led us into 2 paths, he got us to "visualise" our lives 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years up to our death beds and "see" how we would feel, say to ourselves etc. if our lives and choices remained the same. I got so agitated, angry and sweaty as i "saw" my pathetic life with my pathetic choices and excuses before me. I wanted to walk out of the room but i didn't. Johnnie then got us to 'visualise' our lives if we lived according to our 'purpose' and values and what our souls were asking of us. I saw such a beautiful meaningful life ahead of me. That day i wept. I wept for myself, my soul, my child, my family, my friends but mostly for myself. For having let myself down for so long. I wept because i knew i would never be the same again. I wept because i saw that there was a beautiful life ahead of me . I wept for all the people i was going to help. I wept to get rid of the pain, i wept to wash away the past and i wept to welcome the future. I wept and wept and wept. I wept for the freedom i was giving myself. I wept for the world

Claire touched me softly to offer me some much needed Kleenex. I could feel the flutter of my heart, i could feel my tummy leap in joy. I was ecstatic and proud for showing my feelings, such emotion! i had freed myself, allowed myself to be myself. i had transcended the (perceived) opinion of others. I could be myself and be accepted. You see this is why i say Claire and Johnnie cracked me open and this has been the moment I'd been building up to for a very long time. I simply am now open...but this is where the journey begins ; the hard slog, the excitement, the fear, the hope, the faith all have come into play, i made a commitment to myself that day, that no matter how hard it gets, I'm going to live my life and my life's purpose according to my own values and that is what I'm doing, day by day. I asked Claire to be my coach and she agreed...and we've had 2 sessions already.