Who am I? I have been asking myself this question ever since I could dare ask it..maybe 10 years ,maybe more.Goodness,I dont even know where to begin.I shall begin from today and I know,in future,I will write about my past,my journey and my search for whoI am,who I really am.At this point ,I will talk of the me in the physical form and the me as the spirit.For the last week I have been feeling stressed,highly strung and downright agitated.What is happening to me?
I sit in my bedroom trying to shut the whole world out! I know I have to be alone,to be by myself..but who IS myself? I feel fragmented.I can see my physical self but i have lost(temporarily) my spirit self.I am seeking a connection between the physical self and the spiritual self.I dont really want to dig deep into this spirirtual self because who knows what this might reveal.I could be a devil inside.I could be a nasty,evil spirit or I could be a mighty queen in which case would I be able to handle my powerful self.What if "I" emerge and I am too big for my physical self,what if Im completely overwhelmed by my spirit self? What if...what if...what if...This is way too complicated for me,little mousy me!I am scared of everything...actually I USED to be scared of everything but now I have been possessed by this brave woman.This woman who has quit her very good job(Clinical Nurse Specialist in Substance Misuse).This woman who was doing a Bsc in Subsatance Use and Misuse Studies.This woman who was methodical and calculated in whatever shedid.Suddenly I am following my heart,doing what I want,what I like!Therefore you will forgive me for trying to find out who I am and getting confused because I KNOW who I am.I am a kind,generous,loyal spirit.You might ask,what then,are you looking for?
Let me try and explain .I am African, born and bred in Zimbabwe of kind and loving parentage.My paternal ancestry is South African and my mother`s is trully Zimbabwean.My father was a kind and generous man.My mother is a truly committed Christian.I was never forced into religion( although I was baptized as a child)My father was not necessarily church going.My African spiritual practices were practiced ocassionally although I was never involved.I do remember,however,getting the vibe that those spirits were not particularly pleasant.This,I must add,was not a direct message from anyone.
Coming back to now and my question of who I am.As you can see,dear reader,I am an African woman in the West.I have been reading self help books for years.I am reading them like they are going out of print.Some writers resonate with my feelings like you wont believe.Other authors,I could swear have been reading my thoughts.Dr Wayne Dyer(does he know me).Dr Brian Weiss(is he tapping into my thoughts)Elizabeth Gilbert(is she my long lost twin sister)I tell you,it has been a twitch like awakening,rhythmical,catching me unawares at times.Ocassionally I think aha! that is true,thats me and other times I feel this is way too freaky and frightening.How can these white Americans etc feel the way I do.I am a black African woman.The only time I ever went to America was way back in 1988 when I went to Boston Massachussetts and I spent the whole 3 weeks crying and missing my son much to the annoyance of my then partner.
Fast forward many years to now and I do believe that I am deeply spiritual.but what spirit am I?Am I an African spirit,a western spirit, a universal spirit or what spirit????????What does this mean for my physical form.How does an African woman living in England deal with this feeling? Oh and then there is my brain,my intellect,my mind gnawing away at my physical form saying....you think too much,that is your trouble,you are imagining this,if you continue to listen to this you will go mad,dont you know about delusions...hallucinations,be careful..be very careful...
Oh my goodness readers...until next time...until next time
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