I wandered onto the grounds of this great big place.The weather was appalling,the grass magnificent.There were all kinds of people wandering around going about their business and some ,like me ,i thought ,were looking rather pompous with the air and pretense of knowledgeability.(obviously my judgements here!)I had no clue why ,on a whim ,I decided I was going to visit Oxford and funny enough I visited Cathedrals on that day.You will remember that I said I was not necesarily a Christian myself.I know that on that day ,on my own in the pulpit I tried desperately to make sense of it all....nothing....I started praying.I am not even sure in what language I prayed but does it matter?
I wonder if this means that I have already accepted what is,my journey into the unknown.I dont understand much about" Dante`s Inferno" but could it be that I have entered my own "dark wood" and that I am going to wander around here until I am shown the way by my own "Virgil".
Do I wait here for my Virgil,am I my own Virgil? is my intuition,my instinct all I need.I know for sure that I can not get `out` of the wood by walking around the garden/grounds.I know I have to go through the Dark Wood no matter how scary it feels.All I have to do is trust,trust whomever,whatever has taken me from my country of birth,through South Africa and into the United Kingdom.I have been skirting around the grounds for far too long .My Virgil is right here,right now,in me and gently leading me to Paradise.I know Paradise awaits but I also know that I have to go though the Dark Wood for there are no shortcuts to it.In the Dark Wood herein lie my lessons..lessons of bravery,warriorship,courage ,self belief,self love,compassion,love,acceptance and above all connection with everything and everyone.
I feel at this point that this is the end of the first phase of my journey so now I willingly allow myself to enter the "Dark Wood" and be my own Virgil.
My next communications will be about my new phase in the Dark Wood...for now thank you for having joined me on this wonderful journey..Good night and God Bless
Friday, 17 April 2009
Annoyed
I am quite annoyed to be honest.Why didnt this transformation business happen when I was 21 so that by the time I reached 30 I would be a highly enlightened soul,happily married with a bunch of equally enlightened kids and a highly evolved husband.You see then I would by now be doing the work I love,making enough money ,helping humankind.We would be eco-friendly,oozing sunshine and light ....but noooooooooo.I chose to travel this rough terrain.I chose the hard ,long winding ,messy road and it`s making me very angry.I am...years of age and at this rateI will be 99 before I become all of the above(without the bunch of kids as my son would be an old man himself)
Having said this though I know the choice is still mine.I know I need to stop the resistance,the fighting of what is.I know that when I am accepting of everything things will get so much easier.I just know.I just need to do as Im `told` like I did when I went to Barcelona on my own,on a whim and wept when I visited the famous Gaudi creation..The La Sagrda Familia and returned feeling ...well...feeling
Having said this though I know the choice is still mine.I know I need to stop the resistance,the fighting of what is.I know that when I am accepting of everything things will get so much easier.I just know.I just need to do as Im `told` like I did when I went to Barcelona on my own,on a whim and wept when I visited the famous Gaudi creation..The La Sagrda Familia and returned feeling ...well...feeling
The woman who sang for me
She is on" Britain`s Got Talent".She has curly somewhat unruly hair.She is curvy,she is vivacious and I know what we ALL thought when came on.I said to myself"here we go again"and I remember Simon Cowell saying something like "what`s the dream" and I think he must have meant literally.After a long pause this dynamo opened her mouth and the most powerful,sweet,honey like voice came through and stunned everyone.I could see the absolute shock on the judges` faces.The audience went wild.Ant and Dec became even more animated but most of all I felt like Susan Boyle was singing for me and to me!..Me sitting on the sofa and wandering about the big dreams that I`ve been dreaming..a small practice to begin with,just round the corner from my place,a place for me to practice my coaching/spiritual healing and whatever else my spirit planned for me.Me who wants a cottage in the country with my lovely husband,helping troubled young adults.Me who wants her book published.Me who wants to make enough money to to all the above.Well this gorgeous curvacious soul of a woman sang her heart for me( and everyone else) who have dreams but dont yet know how we are going to achieve them.She gave me hope,she gave me courage and she inspired faith.
To Susan Boyle...I wish you every success and hope your dreams come true.Britan`s Got Talent indeed
To Susan Boyle...I wish you every success and hope your dreams come true.Britan`s Got Talent indeed
soul series
I tuned into Oprah`s Soul Series and on it was Elizabeth Lesser who wrote the book "Broken Open".An ancient Sage said that "when the student is ready,a teacher will appear".I had ordered this book from Amazon and it had taken longer than I had anticipated to be delivered and I was annoyed.Little did I realize that had it arrived sooner I would have missed its message to me.It has arrived at the absolute right time when my feelings and emotions are totally tuned in to its messages.
LESSON FOR ME:always trust that its all happening perfectly
LESSON FOR ME:always trust that its all happening perfectly
Thursday, 16 April 2009
Coming back:Journey back to the Self
You walk and walk and walk,all the time getting further away from yourself.You get to the edge of the cliff and realize if you walk any further you will fall into the ocean.That is when you need to decide whether you drown or you find your way back.
As for me ,this is the first time that I`m going towards something rather than running away from something.This is the first time that I`m making decisions that are not driven by pain or some crisis of some sort.
Finding you way back is the most difficult journey you will ever make.On your way back you might take the exact same road you used to leave.That road might be familiar but it will cause you pain because you are trying to get back from where you started and you are trying to get back because you realize that the road you took was not your intended one.So taking the same road back would be foolish.
Coming back will cause you fear like you`ve never experienced before.Just like I said,leaving was the easy bit because you just stumbled your way through but coming back requires taking deliberate ,calculated steps that only you are responsible for.Coming back will teach you about yourself ,about responsibilty.You will realize that there is noone to blame.There was never anyone to blame.You had the gift and the power to choose all along.
This road that you have not travelled beforewill be your roller coaster ride and it will require you to hang on tight.You will need your friends,your family and anyone else that you deem necessary to help you.You will stir the ride but you need not do it alone.The journey is still yours but you needn`t be alone.You will be uncertain,you will be confused,you will lose your confidence.You will have your highs and you will have the extremes of lows.You will lose your ego confidence but you will start to gain inner strenght and wisdom.You will wonder if it`s worth the pain and effort.You will want to give up.You will hate everyone and everything.You will hate yourself for having let yourself go this far.You will stomp your feet.
You wont have any tears to shed.You will have rendered yourself emotionless on your journey away from yourself/your soul.You will want to cry but no tears will come.You will want to love but all you will feel is a big gaping hole where your heart once was.You will despair.You will wonder if you`ll ever be whole again.If you`ll be able to recognize yourself when you meet yourself coming back.The fear will paralyse you and for a while you will remain paralysed,yet you won`t be paralysed for the Universe will be preparing and conniving with you to get you back where you belong.You will experience waves of emotion that will stun and take your breath away.You will want to run away and keep running.You will run but you will find yourself.You will hide but you will find yourself.You will ignore yourself but you cant ignore yourself.You will meet yourself fullface.You will be shocked into standing still.You will have to decide,decide whether you want to reject yourself yet again or take your own hand and lead yourself back home.
You will have decisions and choices to make.You will either go down the very same route you`ve just returned from or find a new one that depicts who you truly are.Most of us travel the old route several times until we are brave enough to choose a new one.Some of us choose the same old painful route.If you decide to choose the new route that depicts the real you,your journey begins to unfold wit astounding results.You begin to recognize yoyrself,your real self,the self you have been trying to escape all along.It is a painful realization to think of the wasted years ,the wasted opportunities,bad choices,bad decisions,the lives you have affected,but then you realize all this needed to happen to bring you back to yourself.You have to take time to digest this.You have to sit still here to truly understand the impact of your decisions,your choices...of becoming you.If you rush this stage you will fall back into the old route,the old ways.Take time to savour this stage and to really understand.It is veryimportant for me to make sure you understand the importance of this stage.This is the stage where you can lose everything,everything that you have worked and fought so hard for.You will doubt yourself,others will doubt you.You will begin to feel that this is too easy,too simple a concept.You will begin to rationalize and derationalize things.You will start to look for excuses to sabotage yourself.These are all normal emotions and feelings but whatever you do DON`T act on them.This is the time to fight for yourself,this is the time to bring out ALL the tools you have gathered along the way.Hang in there for it will soon get better.Get yourself a coach,see a spiritual counsellor,find anyone and everyone who resonates with you.
This is the stage where you begin to cry.You cry because you are clearing out all the mess,the muck,you are removing the scabs,you are healing the scars,you are cleaning out the closet.All the stuff will come out.You will experience weird situations.You might be "led" to do weird rituals.Trust this process,don`t question it.Listen to yourself,listen to your soul.Listen to any messages that are rising from deep within you.The ego is flailing,trying to catch your attention.By this time you know who is who.Spirit or ego.Hang in there.Let all the pain,the fear,the doubt,the self loathing all wash away with your tears.Feel the cleansing.Feel the love,feel the support,all coming from within.Your true self is about to be revealed.Stay there.Savour the moments.Love everything.Love everyone.
As for me ,this is the first time that I`m going towards something rather than running away from something.This is the first time that I`m making decisions that are not driven by pain or some crisis of some sort.
Finding you way back is the most difficult journey you will ever make.On your way back you might take the exact same road you used to leave.That road might be familiar but it will cause you pain because you are trying to get back from where you started and you are trying to get back because you realize that the road you took was not your intended one.So taking the same road back would be foolish.
Coming back will cause you fear like you`ve never experienced before.Just like I said,leaving was the easy bit because you just stumbled your way through but coming back requires taking deliberate ,calculated steps that only you are responsible for.Coming back will teach you about yourself ,about responsibilty.You will realize that there is noone to blame.There was never anyone to blame.You had the gift and the power to choose all along.
This road that you have not travelled beforewill be your roller coaster ride and it will require you to hang on tight.You will need your friends,your family and anyone else that you deem necessary to help you.You will stir the ride but you need not do it alone.The journey is still yours but you needn`t be alone.You will be uncertain,you will be confused,you will lose your confidence.You will have your highs and you will have the extremes of lows.You will lose your ego confidence but you will start to gain inner strenght and wisdom.You will wonder if it`s worth the pain and effort.You will want to give up.You will hate everyone and everything.You will hate yourself for having let yourself go this far.You will stomp your feet.
You wont have any tears to shed.You will have rendered yourself emotionless on your journey away from yourself/your soul.You will want to cry but no tears will come.You will want to love but all you will feel is a big gaping hole where your heart once was.You will despair.You will wonder if you`ll ever be whole again.If you`ll be able to recognize yourself when you meet yourself coming back.The fear will paralyse you and for a while you will remain paralysed,yet you won`t be paralysed for the Universe will be preparing and conniving with you to get you back where you belong.You will experience waves of emotion that will stun and take your breath away.You will want to run away and keep running.You will run but you will find yourself.You will hide but you will find yourself.You will ignore yourself but you cant ignore yourself.You will meet yourself fullface.You will be shocked into standing still.You will have to decide,decide whether you want to reject yourself yet again or take your own hand and lead yourself back home.
You will have decisions and choices to make.You will either go down the very same route you`ve just returned from or find a new one that depicts who you truly are.Most of us travel the old route several times until we are brave enough to choose a new one.Some of us choose the same old painful route.If you decide to choose the new route that depicts the real you,your journey begins to unfold wit astounding results.You begin to recognize yoyrself,your real self,the self you have been trying to escape all along.It is a painful realization to think of the wasted years ,the wasted opportunities,bad choices,bad decisions,the lives you have affected,but then you realize all this needed to happen to bring you back to yourself.You have to take time to digest this.You have to sit still here to truly understand the impact of your decisions,your choices...of becoming you.If you rush this stage you will fall back into the old route,the old ways.Take time to savour this stage and to really understand.It is veryimportant for me to make sure you understand the importance of this stage.This is the stage where you can lose everything,everything that you have worked and fought so hard for.You will doubt yourself,others will doubt you.You will begin to feel that this is too easy,too simple a concept.You will begin to rationalize and derationalize things.You will start to look for excuses to sabotage yourself.These are all normal emotions and feelings but whatever you do DON`T act on them.This is the time to fight for yourself,this is the time to bring out ALL the tools you have gathered along the way.Hang in there for it will soon get better.Get yourself a coach,see a spiritual counsellor,find anyone and everyone who resonates with you.
This is the stage where you begin to cry.You cry because you are clearing out all the mess,the muck,you are removing the scabs,you are healing the scars,you are cleaning out the closet.All the stuff will come out.You will experience weird situations.You might be "led" to do weird rituals.Trust this process,don`t question it.Listen to yourself,listen to your soul.Listen to any messages that are rising from deep within you.The ego is flailing,trying to catch your attention.By this time you know who is who.Spirit or ego.Hang in there.Let all the pain,the fear,the doubt,the self loathing all wash away with your tears.Feel the cleansing.Feel the love,feel the support,all coming from within.Your true self is about to be revealed.Stay there.Savour the moments.Love everything.Love everyone.
Aha! moment
What`s the fear all about? Aha! It just occured to me that it would have been better to keep the pretense that I have the potential rather than to find out that I haven`t got any.I`ve always felt that there was more to me than the physical form and I`ve always spoken about the day I become "me",but what if when I become "me" realize that "me" is just ordinary,boring and not worth knowing?Would I be able to live with that? Would I be able to live with myself.Surely it is better to keep putting it off and live the fantasy of the"when I become myself"....Who am I kidding? Im past the stage of fear and of holding back.I have already moved beyond the fantasy.I am already living the life of "me" and this is no ordinary life.I am learning so much,I am excited like I`ve never been excited before.I am looking forward to more and frankly I don`t really care if when I get to "me" I find an old bespectacled boring old maid.I am having such fun learning.It is painful.It is funny,its encouraging and besides,I`ve never been boring in my life!
Well that puts to bed that need for that particular fear.This is now the process of elimination.I wont rest until I have cleared the "drains" as Mike George,author of The 7 AHAs of Highly enlightened Souls calls them.I ,however,want to clear my drains and not close them for I view them as the conduit thrugh which fear passed to make room for courage,hope,love and ALL the other loving emotions that I`m feeling right now.Amen!
Well that puts to bed that need for that particular fear.This is now the process of elimination.I wont rest until I have cleared the "drains" as Mike George,author of The 7 AHAs of Highly enlightened Souls calls them.I ,however,want to clear my drains and not close them for I view them as the conduit thrugh which fear passed to make room for courage,hope,love and ALL the other loving emotions that I`m feeling right now.Amen!
Saturday, 11 April 2009
Super Sleuth
I finished my night shift at around 7.30 am and came straight home,had a shower and didnt even bother to eat and headed straight for bed.This was Friday morning 10.04.09.I got up with a start and the "message" that I am a super sleuth was on my mind.I didnt even know what a sleuth was and the Thesaurus on my bookshelf didnt shed any light either.Well that put to bed my "message", only it never left my mind.I went to my sister`s house and returned the following day.
Well today curiosity has got the better of me and I have googled the definition of sleuth.Isnt it amazing that it means "watch,observe,enquire secretly".This is what I am currently doing.I am enquiring about my spirituality.I am observing myself and my own responses to the weird and wonderful things happening to me and most of all I am enquiring and attaining all sorts of information to help me on my journey,some done secretly others not.Well that`s told me.
....or am I looking for what is not there.Am I reading too much into weird words that just pop ito my head,and if so what is the purpose of random words that I dont even understand just popping into my head...or am I yet to find out when Iam no longer searching or "enquiring"
Well today curiosity has got the better of me and I have googled the definition of sleuth.Isnt it amazing that it means "watch,observe,enquire secretly".This is what I am currently doing.I am enquiring about my spirituality.I am observing myself and my own responses to the weird and wonderful things happening to me and most of all I am enquiring and attaining all sorts of information to help me on my journey,some done secretly others not.Well that`s told me.
....or am I looking for what is not there.Am I reading too much into weird words that just pop ito my head,and if so what is the purpose of random words that I dont even understand just popping into my head...or am I yet to find out when Iam no longer searching or "enquiring"
Friday, 10 April 2009
Mind and matter
Because my spirit and my mind are not yet connected or combined, my writing swings from mind to heart, heart to mind. You will notice which is which. I have been getting messages from my soul/spirit/heart and i will write them down later but i wrote one message from my mind/ head which is about choice. At this point my head/mind allows me to choose and hence i wrote ' I CHOOSE to do what my heart tells me to do...no matter how daft it might feel or how scared i am'
I have since written messages from my heart/soul/spirit and here goes
The above messages are trying to teach me something about being none judgemental. It is now up to me to find out the what's and the how's. This is why my journey is so full of twists and turns. This is why i need to listen to me spirit/soul/heart because this is where the beauty lies. The paradise within that i can spread without. I am looking forward to it and i am lucky and humbled to be so blessed. This is why I'm being 'told' to sit still and listen.
I have since written messages from my heart/soul/spirit and here goes
- Loose ALL judgement. Only then will you see clearly
- Follow your inner light, don't identify with your physical appearance, cultural background or anything for that matter
- See, but don't judge
- Look without judging
- Listen, just listen
The above messages are trying to teach me something about being none judgemental. It is now up to me to find out the what's and the how's. This is why my journey is so full of twists and turns. This is why i need to listen to me spirit/soul/heart because this is where the beauty lies. The paradise within that i can spread without. I am looking forward to it and i am lucky and humbled to be so blessed. This is why I'm being 'told' to sit still and listen.
Coach vs Guru vs Sage
I've been looking forward to my 3rd coaching session with Claire. It's been a hectic 2 weeks. Claire coaches me every 2 weeks and this past week I've been agitated. I am so agitated I'm even drinking coffee (yes i know what you are thinking) i don't want to sit still because then i will start to get 'messages' Dr Brian Weiss calls them 'messages from the masters' in his book of the same title. Some call the messages from the universe, the self etc. At this point in time i am convinced they are hallucinations maybe I'm deluded thinking there is more to me than flesh and bone. I can't wait to speak to Claire because for some reason i am totally myself when i speak to her and its so liberating. I feel safe, nurtured, loved even. I feel important, clever, special yet normal and ordinary. Don't get me wrong, Claire has assured me she is no superwoman, that she herself, is a fallible human being. I think this is what makes me relaxed and totally myself, uncensored. At 2 o'clock on the dot i breathlessly dial Claire's number.She picks up and we go straight to the point. 'I'm struggling' i say. She's quiet. 'I don't know who i am! i don't know what i want'. Of course i know who i and and what i want. The problem is i have been over thinking everything and i mean everything. Claire asks for more information. I feel awkward, can't express myself...or is it that i wont. It all comes tumbling out ' I'm SCARED!' of what she asks 'of what the messages might tell me' like what she probes 'well' i splutter i know what I'm supposed to do. The messages have been coming thick and fast in he last week. I know that I'm supposed to sit still, listen to myself and just be, but i tell you, this is easier said than done. I've been avoiding myself for a very long time. I've gone to a Buddhist monk to try and find out what I'm looking for. She kindly and expertly taught me how to meditate and i can do that with no qualms. I have discussed the Bible with anyone that cared to listen. I have been Sikh temple. I have been to a lot of places and yet I'm scared to come to me.
I decide that the only action plan i have to take for the next two weeks is to sit still and listen to me. It scares me witless. Back to the what ifs!, but i made a commitment to myself in Cheltenham and I'm not about to let myself down. I promised myself! Claire is my support. At this point i feel a certain kinship with her. She is my coach, my mentor, my sister and most of all she is there for me.
There is one thing i have to say about the coaching process and please accept that this is my own personal perspective. Don't be coached if you're not ready to put in the hard work yourself. Coaching will reveal stuff to you that you are hiding from, that you may not want to see or know. It will spring stuff up right into your face and you will have to make split second decisions, fight or flight. By fight i mean stay in the moment and meet your challenges and hence grow and transform or flight, run away and keep running like you've been doing! This is the running that's kept me in pain for a very long time. you can run but you cannot run. Running keeps you in pain i have made a decision to fight, to fight for myself like I've never fought before. Fight for my self respect, for my love for myself, for my power that lies within, for my freedom to be my true self. The true self that scares me so much because this true self feels so powerful, so powerful that i think my physical self will not cope. This is why Claire is so important to me. This is why i am so important to me. I'm now fighting to unite my spirit self and my physical self. This is a journey i would never have taken alone. This is a journey that's taking twists and turns. This is a painful yet beautiful and amazing journey. This is a journey of return. This is the real me coming back to me. This is the most important journey of my life and as such I'm starting to feel pride. Proud to be so brake, so strong, so determined and yet so vulnerable and fragile at the same time.
I decide that the only action plan i have to take for the next two weeks is to sit still and listen to me. It scares me witless. Back to the what ifs!, but i made a commitment to myself in Cheltenham and I'm not about to let myself down. I promised myself! Claire is my support. At this point i feel a certain kinship with her. She is my coach, my mentor, my sister and most of all she is there for me.
There is one thing i have to say about the coaching process and please accept that this is my own personal perspective. Don't be coached if you're not ready to put in the hard work yourself. Coaching will reveal stuff to you that you are hiding from, that you may not want to see or know. It will spring stuff up right into your face and you will have to make split second decisions, fight or flight. By fight i mean stay in the moment and meet your challenges and hence grow and transform or flight, run away and keep running like you've been doing! This is the running that's kept me in pain for a very long time. you can run but you cannot run. Running keeps you in pain i have made a decision to fight, to fight for myself like I've never fought before. Fight for my self respect, for my love for myself, for my power that lies within, for my freedom to be my true self. The true self that scares me so much because this true self feels so powerful, so powerful that i think my physical self will not cope. This is why Claire is so important to me. This is why i am so important to me. I'm now fighting to unite my spirit self and my physical self. This is a journey i would never have taken alone. This is a journey that's taking twists and turns. This is a painful yet beautiful and amazing journey. This is a journey of return. This is the real me coming back to me. This is the most important journey of my life and as such I'm starting to feel pride. Proud to be so brake, so strong, so determined and yet so vulnerable and fragile at the same time.
Messages from the self
How could i have done this to myself. Trusting all others above myself, rejecting myself for so long, not trusting myself, not loving myself, hating myself. I weep for myself, for my loving self that's never left me. For my patient self that waited and waited until i realised that the only person I was looking for was myself. The only wisdom i ever needed to trust was my own. It's been here all along and i have looked the other way, I have rejected myself.
How did i get to this, how did i get to reject myself so. Does it really matter to find out. Do i want to judge anyone, anything. I'm done judging. I'm done hating, I'm done hurting, I'm done regretting, I'm done wishing what i need to do is to forgive, forgive the me that left home a long time ago and wondered so far away that coming home was no longer an option. The me that trusted all the golden castles far away from home. The me that was too scared to come back and face reality. The me that was too ashamed to come back and face me. How do you go back home when you've rejected home because you thought out there was better. You begin by forgiving. You don't look for why you left in the first place. You left because you needed to leave. You left because home was painful, but you always knew you'd come back. You always knew you'd come back when all was said and done. You needed to do the work, the journey and now you can come home. Come home to the bossom of your love, your own love and acceptance. There's nothing left to fear, nothing. You are welcome back. You are forgiven. You are loved. You've always been loved. It's time to stop searching. It's time to come home and rest. It's time to trust yourself for whatever you where looking for was never out there. It's never been out there. It's been in here, in you all along.
Don't cry for lost time. Don't cry for what might have been. You've been exactly where you've needed to have been. You've done exactly what you've needed to do. You've met the people you needed to meet. You've felt the feelings you needed to feel. Now forgive! Forgive yourself, forgive others. Forgive everything, then love, love yourself, love others, love everything, then wait!! wait patiently, trusting, doing nothing, thinking nothing, just wait...
How did i get to this, how did i get to reject myself so. Does it really matter to find out. Do i want to judge anyone, anything. I'm done judging. I'm done hating, I'm done hurting, I'm done regretting, I'm done wishing what i need to do is to forgive, forgive the me that left home a long time ago and wondered so far away that coming home was no longer an option. The me that trusted all the golden castles far away from home. The me that was too scared to come back and face reality. The me that was too ashamed to come back and face me. How do you go back home when you've rejected home because you thought out there was better. You begin by forgiving. You don't look for why you left in the first place. You left because you needed to leave. You left because home was painful, but you always knew you'd come back. You always knew you'd come back when all was said and done. You needed to do the work, the journey and now you can come home. Come home to the bossom of your love, your own love and acceptance. There's nothing left to fear, nothing. You are welcome back. You are forgiven. You are loved. You've always been loved. It's time to stop searching. It's time to come home and rest. It's time to trust yourself for whatever you where looking for was never out there. It's never been out there. It's been in here, in you all along.
Don't cry for lost time. Don't cry for what might have been. You've been exactly where you've needed to have been. You've done exactly what you've needed to do. You've met the people you needed to meet. You've felt the feelings you needed to feel. Now forgive! Forgive yourself, forgive others. Forgive everything, then love, love yourself, love others, love everything, then wait!! wait patiently, trusting, doing nothing, thinking nothing, just wait...
Going with instinct
Today i took the plunge without realising that i was taking a plunge. I have created a new vision board, words on it are "Looking for an adventure, I'm not afraid, risk taker, beautiful, free, ready, risk, enjoying, meaningful, free, ready, risk, enjoy, meaningful life, body, superwoman, love that lasts, sky high, want adventure, accept yourself, temptation on very level" etc. I'm not sure exactly when this has happened but something has shifted, I'm not afraid anymore. I feel a sense of peace, of acceptance, of excitement even. I'm looking forward to my messages. I'm looking forward to just being. To do the very things that worry and frighten me. Things like saying to friends and family... I love you. This is the beginning of an open heart. I did mention that Claire and Johnnie cracked me open and Johnnie laughed! Little does he realise how serious Iam. Little does he realise how much he has been instrumental in opening up my heart.
ENTER CLAIRE!
I did say thatIwas going to introduce Claire at some point. Claire Westwood is an amazing, bundle of energy. I have really only known her for a few months. I got to know her through 2 of my friends who had heard me talking about becoming a life coach. Claire had written an article in the RCN Bulletin which, would it not have been for my friends, I wouldn't even have read. I was stressed to the maximum, in a job i thought i would love but hated due to a lot of different circumstances. I emailed her that same evening and we started communicating by email. When she phoned me one day i thought i was going to faint. It's like the phone a friend issue on " who wants to be a millionaire" and Chris Tarrant is on the phone and you don't know whether to shriek or be decidedly aloof and cool. Anyhow Claire being Claire she put me at ease and we chatted like old friends. When i told my friends they were not really surprised as they expected this of me!!!
I had registered to do a coaching Diploma with another company but i was struggling as i felt my personal needs were not being met. I wanted to pursue the spiritual side of coaching. I wanted to infuse love, feeling, spirit and all of me into coaching. I was lost. I got myself a coach but something was still missing. I felt that i was running before i could walk. I wasn't 'feeling' the coaching and the training and it was because i was not connecting with what i was doing. I emailed Claire and she phoned me. We discussed my spirituality and she was so warm and reassuring. She suggested a website which i followed up but still didn't 'feel' the connection. I was ecstatic when Claire emailed to say she was going to run her first ever Happy nurses coach training. i signed up without a thought. Money was tight but i knew that this was the right thing for me to do. It felt 'right'. Fast forward to the "big bang theory" of my life. 2009 was just beginning and i was "coming out". Claire told me that Johnnie was joining her in Happy nurses and was to be the co-trainer for the event. i must say that if you haven't seen or met Johnnie before, you won't understand my sentiments. You see, Johnnie is a delicious man i saw on stage when i attended a Christopher Howard event in September 2008. He was the ubber cool guy you only ever see and smile at from afar. He oozed charm, sex appeal but most of all kindness and genuineness. You will forgive me for thinking i was going to need full CPR when i met him. I asked Claire to ensure all the resus equipment was available on the day!Anyhow, the day of the course arrived and i was feeling excited, scared, confident and dizzy all at the same time. That week i met amazing, amazing people. i did not need any resuscitation as the kind and cool Johnnie turned out to be so lovely and reassuring and I forgot ALL about his looks . He was just like you and i, with the looks, the intelligence, the genuineness, but more spiritually evolved. Claire was and is amazing.
To cut a long story short, my life was transformed completely. I cannot put into words what i felt and how i feel right now. As Iyanla Vanzant aptly put it "my soul just opened up". I have always been guarded, stiff upper lipped, very mindful of what i do or say. I have always put the opinion of others before mine. i have done this much to the detriment of my own soul, my needs and this has led to great pain and sadness, resentment and anger. Johnnie led us into 2 paths, he got us to "visualise" our lives 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years up to our death beds and "see" how we would feel, say to ourselves etc. if our lives and choices remained the same. I got so agitated, angry and sweaty as i "saw" my pathetic life with my pathetic choices and excuses before me. I wanted to walk out of the room but i didn't. Johnnie then got us to 'visualise' our lives if we lived according to our 'purpose' and values and what our souls were asking of us. I saw such a beautiful meaningful life ahead of me. That day i wept. I wept for myself, my soul, my child, my family, my friends but mostly for myself. For having let myself down for so long. I wept because i knew i would never be the same again. I wept because i saw that there was a beautiful life ahead of me . I wept for all the people i was going to help. I wept to get rid of the pain, i wept to wash away the past and i wept to welcome the future. I wept and wept and wept. I wept for the freedom i was giving myself. I wept for the world
Claire touched me softly to offer me some much needed Kleenex. I could feel the flutter of my heart, i could feel my tummy leap in joy. I was ecstatic and proud for showing my feelings, such emotion! i had freed myself, allowed myself to be myself. i had transcended the (perceived) opinion of others. I could be myself and be accepted. You see this is why i say Claire and Johnnie cracked me open and this has been the moment I'd been building up to for a very long time. I simply am now open...but this is where the journey begins ; the hard slog, the excitement, the fear, the hope, the faith all have come into play, i made a commitment to myself that day, that no matter how hard it gets, I'm going to live my life and my life's purpose according to my own values and that is what I'm doing, day by day. I asked Claire to be my coach and she agreed...and we've had 2 sessions already.
ENTER CLAIRE!
I did say thatIwas going to introduce Claire at some point. Claire Westwood is an amazing, bundle of energy. I have really only known her for a few months. I got to know her through 2 of my friends who had heard me talking about becoming a life coach. Claire had written an article in the RCN Bulletin which, would it not have been for my friends, I wouldn't even have read. I was stressed to the maximum, in a job i thought i would love but hated due to a lot of different circumstances. I emailed her that same evening and we started communicating by email. When she phoned me one day i thought i was going to faint. It's like the phone a friend issue on " who wants to be a millionaire" and Chris Tarrant is on the phone and you don't know whether to shriek or be decidedly aloof and cool. Anyhow Claire being Claire she put me at ease and we chatted like old friends. When i told my friends they were not really surprised as they expected this of me!!!
I had registered to do a coaching Diploma with another company but i was struggling as i felt my personal needs were not being met. I wanted to pursue the spiritual side of coaching. I wanted to infuse love, feeling, spirit and all of me into coaching. I was lost. I got myself a coach but something was still missing. I felt that i was running before i could walk. I wasn't 'feeling' the coaching and the training and it was because i was not connecting with what i was doing. I emailed Claire and she phoned me. We discussed my spirituality and she was so warm and reassuring. She suggested a website which i followed up but still didn't 'feel' the connection. I was ecstatic when Claire emailed to say she was going to run her first ever Happy nurses coach training. i signed up without a thought. Money was tight but i knew that this was the right thing for me to do. It felt 'right'. Fast forward to the "big bang theory" of my life. 2009 was just beginning and i was "coming out". Claire told me that Johnnie was joining her in Happy nurses and was to be the co-trainer for the event. i must say that if you haven't seen or met Johnnie before, you won't understand my sentiments. You see, Johnnie is a delicious man i saw on stage when i attended a Christopher Howard event in September 2008. He was the ubber cool guy you only ever see and smile at from afar. He oozed charm, sex appeal but most of all kindness and genuineness. You will forgive me for thinking i was going to need full CPR when i met him. I asked Claire to ensure all the resus equipment was available on the day!Anyhow, the day of the course arrived and i was feeling excited, scared, confident and dizzy all at the same time. That week i met amazing, amazing people. i did not need any resuscitation as the kind and cool Johnnie turned out to be so lovely and reassuring and I forgot ALL about his looks . He was just like you and i, with the looks, the intelligence, the genuineness, but more spiritually evolved. Claire was and is amazing.
To cut a long story short, my life was transformed completely. I cannot put into words what i felt and how i feel right now. As Iyanla Vanzant aptly put it "my soul just opened up". I have always been guarded, stiff upper lipped, very mindful of what i do or say. I have always put the opinion of others before mine. i have done this much to the detriment of my own soul, my needs and this has led to great pain and sadness, resentment and anger. Johnnie led us into 2 paths, he got us to "visualise" our lives 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years up to our death beds and "see" how we would feel, say to ourselves etc. if our lives and choices remained the same. I got so agitated, angry and sweaty as i "saw" my pathetic life with my pathetic choices and excuses before me. I wanted to walk out of the room but i didn't. Johnnie then got us to 'visualise' our lives if we lived according to our 'purpose' and values and what our souls were asking of us. I saw such a beautiful meaningful life ahead of me. That day i wept. I wept for myself, my soul, my child, my family, my friends but mostly for myself. For having let myself down for so long. I wept because i knew i would never be the same again. I wept because i saw that there was a beautiful life ahead of me . I wept for all the people i was going to help. I wept to get rid of the pain, i wept to wash away the past and i wept to welcome the future. I wept and wept and wept. I wept for the freedom i was giving myself. I wept for the world
Claire touched me softly to offer me some much needed Kleenex. I could feel the flutter of my heart, i could feel my tummy leap in joy. I was ecstatic and proud for showing my feelings, such emotion! i had freed myself, allowed myself to be myself. i had transcended the (perceived) opinion of others. I could be myself and be accepted. You see this is why i say Claire and Johnnie cracked me open and this has been the moment I'd been building up to for a very long time. I simply am now open...but this is where the journey begins ; the hard slog, the excitement, the fear, the hope, the faith all have come into play, i made a commitment to myself that day, that no matter how hard it gets, I'm going to live my life and my life's purpose according to my own values and that is what I'm doing, day by day. I asked Claire to be my coach and she agreed...and we've had 2 sessions already.
Tuesday, 7 April 2009
Sister act!
I know when my brother in law is annoyed with my sister and/or me. He comes to pick us up from a girls' night out. She in the passenger seat, me in the back. I know he's annoyed because we're not in before he pulls off! We start to giggle like school girls and he is growling. My sister then gets annoyed with him and we all tense up. he is ignoring us and playing his music a bit too loud... annoying if its the songs you don't like. My sister starts to give him driving instructions(she herself doesn't drive) He starts to foam at the mouth. Dare i say I'm cold in the back seat with the window open on his side. I decide to keep quiet, in my skimpy outfit, In the middle of winter. My sister has now resorted to sounds! You know, the sounds my mother made when she was annoyed with my father. My mother also gave my father driving instructions (and she didn't drive either) He pulled over and asked her to get out and take the bus. My mother, being the proud woman that she is, elegantly got out, walked across to the bus stop and my father gingerly drove off and left her and i was shocked! This was so out of character for my father. I think my sister should be careful, there aren't any buses in the area.
I daresay this scene will be repeated many times until my brother in law tells us to take a taxi. In the meantime, i will take a coat with me and enough taxi fare to cover all eventualities. As for my sister, driving lessons resumed!!!
Actually we form a nice little trio.. me, always hanging around, single, not homeless but practically living with them. I ring the doorbell and my B.I.L answers, opens the door and says "Oh! its you!" of course its me, what do you think! My sister, always the long suffering niceness itself admonishes him. Even i am beginning to think I'm overdoing their sisterliness. but whats a girl to do if my sister lives so near and we get on so well. My brother in law forgets that he's not too keen on me today and starts nattering away and is cooking a "special" meal for me. All is good again and I've recovered from the "Oh its you!" brutality! Until next time reader. I hear you ask, what's this got to do with spirituality! Well I'll tell you what!
1) I'm avoiding the subject obviously
2) I love my sister! ha!
3) I'm fed up of my own company! he!
4) I'm avoiding 'it', me
5) I'm running away from me, it, us
6) I'm hiding from 'it', me
7) 1, 4, 5, 6 are the correct answers. Note that this is what i write when I'm avoiding me!
I daresay this scene will be repeated many times until my brother in law tells us to take a taxi. In the meantime, i will take a coat with me and enough taxi fare to cover all eventualities. As for my sister, driving lessons resumed!!!
Actually we form a nice little trio.. me, always hanging around, single, not homeless but practically living with them. I ring the doorbell and my B.I.L answers, opens the door and says "Oh! its you!" of course its me, what do you think! My sister, always the long suffering niceness itself admonishes him. Even i am beginning to think I'm overdoing their sisterliness. but whats a girl to do if my sister lives so near and we get on so well. My brother in law forgets that he's not too keen on me today and starts nattering away and is cooking a "special" meal for me. All is good again and I've recovered from the "Oh its you!" brutality! Until next time reader. I hear you ask, what's this got to do with spirituality! Well I'll tell you what!
1) I'm avoiding the subject obviously
2) I love my sister! ha!
3) I'm fed up of my own company! he!
4) I'm avoiding 'it', me
5) I'm running away from me, it, us
6) I'm hiding from 'it', me
7) 1, 4, 5, 6 are the correct answers. Note that this is what i write when I'm avoiding me!
Friday, 3 April 2009
Too much to drink
Today I ve had too much to drink but to be fair I havent had any alcoholic drink since maybe New Year.Ohhhhh I m such a good girl.Oh I do remember drinking in Cheltenham with my new best friends of the first ever Happynurses coach training.We laughed like hyenas ,,not that I know how hyenas laugh...
I want to tell you about what I wrote on the 2nd of April.I wrote this in my notebook because I was a bit embarrassed about sharing it out.Thats the trouble with me you know...I tend to hide away the real me until someone says Im too cool to hide then like a tortiose I show my head ..however I made a commitment to myself in Cheltenham that I was going to be true to myself.I will tell you more about what happened in Cheltenham in another blog...honestly
On the 2nd of April I was listening to Dr Wayne Dyers CD "Being In Balance" and I was busy agreeing with EVERYTHING that he was saying...well a lot of it anyway! I started eating ,first it was a cup of tea,then it was ovaltine,then a plum,a cheese toastee,another cup of tea! I know when I feel this way that I am trying to avoid something...the something that arises from deep within me and that the only way I can stifle that is to to feed "it".I also know that I m supposed to listen to "it" but the "it"is what scares me.What if "it" says that Im going to die or my son`s going to die or worse that I`m amazing.You see,i`ts the greatness that i`m scared of the most.The bad news I can handle.God knows I`ve handled so many bad news in the past,i`ts the good news that is difficult.What if I`m blooming amazing,fabulous,gorgeous,lovely,loved,loving,fancied?O h dear,that would be a really difficult one!...but then I decide that tonight`s the night that I`m going to take chances.I`m going to listen to "it".This "it" is what I believe is my spirit.I believe that "it"is essentially really good,kind,loving,thoughtful,wise,old and wants to teach me all the good ways.I have lit my incense sticks,candles on the burn and bid Dr Dyer goodnight."It" tells me to turn the lights out and sit cross legged on my bedroom door with my back firmly to the door.I sit with my back straight,elbows resting on my thighs and forefinger and thumb pressed together.I close my eyes,it`s dark and my mind is saying all sorts.I try to concerntrate on my breathing but I start to feel breathless and begin to hyperventilate which then defeats the purpose of trying to calm down.
I start to sneeze because I have snorted some African snuff..actually I have sampled some on my tongue.Oh THE THINGS YOU DO TO FIND MEANING OR WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR!I sit still and wait and I can feel "the feeling"of something coming up in my belly.I know this feeling so well and this is the feeling I get and the one I try and avoid by eating!I am awake and make a conscious decision to "accept"as Claire has suggested in my coaching with her(I will introduce Claire later folks,be patient)
I await patiently,accepting that what will be will be and voille! A grand old lady appears.She is carrying itshoba (horsetail attached to a stick)and she has dunked it in African beer.She proceeds to cleanse me with with it by wiping me up and down with it from head to torso.She pours the beer over my head so that the rest flows over my body.She then puts iqhaga(the beer pot) on my head and asks me to hold it there with both my hands so that both my arms are up supportinmg the pot.She continues to cleanse me down to my toes and when I have been thoroughly cleansed she asks me to scoop my hands in front of my face and asks me to kiss them softly and then imitate washing my face.She then instructs me to "go out there and find myself a man"
I really dont know what to think about all this and wonder if Im truly losing the plot!The next day I visit my sister(you know,the one Ive been confiding in)I tell her about my "weird" event and she gasps and tell me that that is the traditional ceremony that is done when one is getting married.My knees buckle,Ive been asking for proof all along that Im not hallucinating or imagining things and there it is..
Is it enough to convince me that there is more to me than just the flesh? Does this mean that my spirit is definitely African.Im still searching dear reader but I know for sure that there is more to me than this flesh and bone that you see... and I intend to find out who I am deep, deep ,deep within.
Until then...keep reading
I want to tell you about what I wrote on the 2nd of April.I wrote this in my notebook because I was a bit embarrassed about sharing it out.Thats the trouble with me you know...I tend to hide away the real me until someone says Im too cool to hide then like a tortiose I show my head ..however I made a commitment to myself in Cheltenham that I was going to be true to myself.I will tell you more about what happened in Cheltenham in another blog...honestly
On the 2nd of April I was listening to Dr Wayne Dyers CD "Being In Balance" and I was busy agreeing with EVERYTHING that he was saying...well a lot of it anyway! I started eating ,first it was a cup of tea,then it was ovaltine,then a plum,a cheese toastee,another cup of tea! I know when I feel this way that I am trying to avoid something...the something that arises from deep within me and that the only way I can stifle that is to to feed "it".I also know that I m supposed to listen to "it" but the "it"is what scares me.What if "it" says that Im going to die or my son`s going to die or worse that I`m amazing.You see,i`ts the greatness that i`m scared of the most.The bad news I can handle.God knows I`ve handled so many bad news in the past,i`ts the good news that is difficult.What if I`m blooming amazing,fabulous,gorgeous,lovely,loved,loving,fancied?O h dear,that would be a really difficult one!...but then I decide that tonight`s the night that I`m going to take chances.I`m going to listen to "it".This "it" is what I believe is my spirit.I believe that "it"is essentially really good,kind,loving,thoughtful,wise,old and wants to teach me all the good ways.I have lit my incense sticks,candles on the burn and bid Dr Dyer goodnight."It" tells me to turn the lights out and sit cross legged on my bedroom door with my back firmly to the door.I sit with my back straight,elbows resting on my thighs and forefinger and thumb pressed together.I close my eyes,it`s dark and my mind is saying all sorts.I try to concerntrate on my breathing but I start to feel breathless and begin to hyperventilate which then defeats the purpose of trying to calm down.
I start to sneeze because I have snorted some African snuff..actually I have sampled some on my tongue.Oh THE THINGS YOU DO TO FIND MEANING OR WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR!I sit still and wait and I can feel "the feeling"of something coming up in my belly.I know this feeling so well and this is the feeling I get and the one I try and avoid by eating!I am awake and make a conscious decision to "accept"as Claire has suggested in my coaching with her(I will introduce Claire later folks,be patient)
I await patiently,accepting that what will be will be and voille! A grand old lady appears.She is carrying itshoba (horsetail attached to a stick)and she has dunked it in African beer.She proceeds to cleanse me with with it by wiping me up and down with it from head to torso.She pours the beer over my head so that the rest flows over my body.She then puts iqhaga(the beer pot) on my head and asks me to hold it there with both my hands so that both my arms are up supportinmg the pot.She continues to cleanse me down to my toes and when I have been thoroughly cleansed she asks me to scoop my hands in front of my face and asks me to kiss them softly and then imitate washing my face.She then instructs me to "go out there and find myself a man"
I really dont know what to think about all this and wonder if Im truly losing the plot!The next day I visit my sister(you know,the one Ive been confiding in)I tell her about my "weird" event and she gasps and tell me that that is the traditional ceremony that is done when one is getting married.My knees buckle,Ive been asking for proof all along that Im not hallucinating or imagining things and there it is..
Is it enough to convince me that there is more to me than just the flesh? Does this mean that my spirit is definitely African.Im still searching dear reader but I know for sure that there is more to me than this flesh and bone that you see... and I intend to find out who I am deep, deep ,deep within.
Until then...keep reading
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
First time blog
Who am I? I have been asking myself this question ever since I could dare ask it..maybe 10 years ,maybe more.Goodness,I dont even know where to begin.I shall begin from today and I know,in future,I will write about my past,my journey and my search for whoI am,who I really am.At this point ,I will talk of the me in the physical form and the me as the spirit.For the last week I have been feeling stressed,highly strung and downright agitated.What is happening to me?
I sit in my bedroom trying to shut the whole world out! I know I have to be alone,to be by myself..but who IS myself? I feel fragmented.I can see my physical self but i have lost(temporarily) my spirit self.I am seeking a connection between the physical self and the spiritual self.I dont really want to dig deep into this spirirtual self because who knows what this might reveal.I could be a devil inside.I could be a nasty,evil spirit or I could be a mighty queen in which case would I be able to handle my powerful self.What if "I" emerge and I am too big for my physical self,what if Im completely overwhelmed by my spirit self? What if...what if...what if...This is way too complicated for me,little mousy me!I am scared of everything...actually I USED to be scared of everything but now I have been possessed by this brave woman.This woman who has quit her very good job(Clinical Nurse Specialist in Substance Misuse).This woman who was doing a Bsc in Subsatance Use and Misuse Studies.This woman who was methodical and calculated in whatever shedid.Suddenly I am following my heart,doing what I want,what I like!Therefore you will forgive me for trying to find out who I am and getting confused because I KNOW who I am.I am a kind,generous,loyal spirit.You might ask,what then,are you looking for?
Let me try and explain .I am African, born and bred in Zimbabwe of kind and loving parentage.My paternal ancestry is South African and my mother`s is trully Zimbabwean.My father was a kind and generous man.My mother is a truly committed Christian.I was never forced into religion( although I was baptized as a child)My father was not necessarily church going.My African spiritual practices were practiced ocassionally although I was never involved.I do remember,however,getting the vibe that those spirits were not particularly pleasant.This,I must add,was not a direct message from anyone.
Coming back to now and my question of who I am.As you can see,dear reader,I am an African woman in the West.I have been reading self help books for years.I am reading them like they are going out of print.Some writers resonate with my feelings like you wont believe.Other authors,I could swear have been reading my thoughts.Dr Wayne Dyer(does he know me).Dr Brian Weiss(is he tapping into my thoughts)Elizabeth Gilbert(is she my long lost twin sister)I tell you,it has been a twitch like awakening,rhythmical,catching me unawares at times.Ocassionally I think aha! that is true,thats me and other times I feel this is way too freaky and frightening.How can these white Americans etc feel the way I do.I am a black African woman.The only time I ever went to America was way back in 1988 when I went to Boston Massachussetts and I spent the whole 3 weeks crying and missing my son much to the annoyance of my then partner.
Fast forward many years to now and I do believe that I am deeply spiritual.but what spirit am I?Am I an African spirit,a western spirit, a universal spirit or what spirit????????What does this mean for my physical form.How does an African woman living in England deal with this feeling? Oh and then there is my brain,my intellect,my mind gnawing away at my physical form saying....you think too much,that is your trouble,you are imagining this,if you continue to listen to this you will go mad,dont you know about delusions...hallucinations,be careful..be very careful...
Oh my goodness readers...until next time...until next time
I sit in my bedroom trying to shut the whole world out! I know I have to be alone,to be by myself..but who IS myself? I feel fragmented.I can see my physical self but i have lost(temporarily) my spirit self.I am seeking a connection between the physical self and the spiritual self.I dont really want to dig deep into this spirirtual self because who knows what this might reveal.I could be a devil inside.I could be a nasty,evil spirit or I could be a mighty queen in which case would I be able to handle my powerful self.What if "I" emerge and I am too big for my physical self,what if Im completely overwhelmed by my spirit self? What if...what if...what if...This is way too complicated for me,little mousy me!I am scared of everything...actually I USED to be scared of everything but now I have been possessed by this brave woman.This woman who has quit her very good job(Clinical Nurse Specialist in Substance Misuse).This woman who was doing a Bsc in Subsatance Use and Misuse Studies.This woman who was methodical and calculated in whatever shedid.Suddenly I am following my heart,doing what I want,what I like!Therefore you will forgive me for trying to find out who I am and getting confused because I KNOW who I am.I am a kind,generous,loyal spirit.You might ask,what then,are you looking for?
Let me try and explain .I am African, born and bred in Zimbabwe of kind and loving parentage.My paternal ancestry is South African and my mother`s is trully Zimbabwean.My father was a kind and generous man.My mother is a truly committed Christian.I was never forced into religion( although I was baptized as a child)My father was not necessarily church going.My African spiritual practices were practiced ocassionally although I was never involved.I do remember,however,getting the vibe that those spirits were not particularly pleasant.This,I must add,was not a direct message from anyone.
Coming back to now and my question of who I am.As you can see,dear reader,I am an African woman in the West.I have been reading self help books for years.I am reading them like they are going out of print.Some writers resonate with my feelings like you wont believe.Other authors,I could swear have been reading my thoughts.Dr Wayne Dyer(does he know me).Dr Brian Weiss(is he tapping into my thoughts)Elizabeth Gilbert(is she my long lost twin sister)I tell you,it has been a twitch like awakening,rhythmical,catching me unawares at times.Ocassionally I think aha! that is true,thats me and other times I feel this is way too freaky and frightening.How can these white Americans etc feel the way I do.I am a black African woman.The only time I ever went to America was way back in 1988 when I went to Boston Massachussetts and I spent the whole 3 weeks crying and missing my son much to the annoyance of my then partner.
Fast forward many years to now and I do believe that I am deeply spiritual.but what spirit am I?Am I an African spirit,a western spirit, a universal spirit or what spirit????????What does this mean for my physical form.How does an African woman living in England deal with this feeling? Oh and then there is my brain,my intellect,my mind gnawing away at my physical form saying....you think too much,that is your trouble,you are imagining this,if you continue to listen to this you will go mad,dont you know about delusions...hallucinations,be careful..be very careful...
Oh my goodness readers...until next time...until next time
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