lessons learnt

I am completely shattered.The gods must be laughing at my stupidity.I thought they were giving me a man to love and cherish but all Ive incurred is pain and humiliation.I can only learn from this situation.The lesson being remain open to love and live life to the full.There is nothing to fear anymore.If I can go thru this amount of humiliation then nothing else matters.

I know life will never be the same again.I have never had anyone invoke such intense feelings in me before,I may never feel this way again but what I know is that I will never take life for granted ever again.I will not wait for tomorrow to do things.I will not fear anything anymore.I felt extreme love,life,fear and pain all in a space of one week.This is my wake up call.Life is now and it is to be lived.I have to be alive.I have to do what I want to do.I cant put things off anymore.He was not sent to me to be my lover but he was a messenger of life.He was sent to jolt me out of unconsciousness and lethargy and apathy..to ensure that I live life to the fullest.No more excuses,no more fear,no more half hearted attempts at life.

The brick hurt so badly so as to awaken me.Never will I be complacent again therefore instead of being angry I should be thanking Ondre for waking me up from the dead.Farewell my dear!!!!!!!!!!

Oh I get it!

Iwas thinking to myself..what have you done to me,I can`t eat,I cannot sleep and I`m not the same anymore...oh ok it`s Anita Baker who sang this( Body and Soul) but this is how I have been feeling .My sister thinks its hilarious as I am known as the ice maiden,unthawable.I think that has been the problem though.Its not that I am unthawable but blooming scared.I have only just figured this out overnight...well,yes,I am not sleeping well at all.The more HE pays me compliments and is being keen the more I want to run but run I won`t.I have done enough work on myself to now identify issues and patterns of the past.I have decided that I do have fear of intimacy because it brings out all the issues of my past.I am scared of rejection,of letting myself be vulnerable,of falling flat on my face,but guess what...bring it on.

I know what I want and I want him...so its time to stop running.Its time to be brave,its time to let love/life in.This ice maiden is fast becoming warm and fuzzy.Watch this space xxx

2010

At which point I know Im hooked.How can it be that a man looking for love `accidentally`calls my number and a few days after I had declared myself available,if not desperate.I think to myself,the Gods must be crazy! They have obviously been listening and tuning into my thoughts and thought..ya,we will sort you out mrs!

The story is..my sister and I were at a wedding reception on Saturday the 9th of January 2010 and I noticed that I had a missed call from a number I did not recognize so I called the number to some strange guy who thought that I had called him in response to his advert...and ...listen to this,I thought he said `swingers` but he had said singles advert.Fat chance.Well we got talking anyway and one thing led to another and now we`ve been on a date.

You`d think I would be nervous after a looooong spell of self imposed singledom.I quite fancied myself really and knew that he would fancy me too.Its amazing what therapy,life coaching and spiritual healing can do for a girl`s confidence!

Well,dare I say it was love at first sight for me and now I`m like a love sick puppy.I can`t eat(good for the figure) and I can`t sleep(bad for the eyes,bags and all).The good thing is that I think he REALLY likes me.Well I really like him.

This brings me to the issue of my long self imposed celibacy which ended( not by deed) on the 1/11/09.How will I cope.Am I a bit too fast in thinking about that? Really though,I cant wait.What`s a girl to do if a guy is handpicked and handdelivered by the Gods.I simply cant say no now can I?

Christchurh,Oxford

I wandered onto the grounds of this great big place.The weather was appalling,the grass magnificent.There were all kinds of people wandering around going about their business and some ,like me ,i thought ,were looking rather pompous with the air and pretense of knowledgeability.(obviously my judgements here!)I had no clue why ,on a whim ,I decided I was going to visit Oxford and funny enough I visited Cathedrals on that day.You will remember that I said I was not necesarily a Christian myself.I know that on that day ,on my own in the pulpit I tried desperately to make sense of it all....nothing....I started praying.I am not even sure in what language I prayed but does it matter?

I wonder if this means that I have already accepted what is,my journey into the unknown.I dont understand much about" Dante`s Inferno" but could it be that I have entered my own "dark wood" and that I am going to wander around here until I am shown the way by my own "Virgil".

Do I wait here for my Virgil,am I my own Virgil? is my intuition,my instinct all I need.I know for sure that I can not get `out` of the wood by walking around the garden/grounds.I know I have to go through the Dark Wood no matter how scary it feels.All I have to do is trust,trust whomever,whatever has taken me from my country of birth,through South Africa and into the United Kingdom.I have been skirting around the grounds for far too long .My Virgil is right here,right now,in me and gently leading me to Paradise.I know Paradise awaits but I also know that I have to go though the Dark Wood for there are no shortcuts to it.In the Dark Wood herein lie my lessons..lessons of bravery,warriorship,courage ,self belief,self love,compassion,love,acceptance and above all connection with everything and everyone.


I feel at this point that this is the end of the first phase of my journey so now I willingly allow myself to enter the "Dark Wood" and be my own Virgil.

My next communications will be about my new phase in the Dark Wood...for now thank you for having joined me on this wonderful journey..Good night and God Bless

Annoyed

I am quite annoyed to be honest.Why didnt this transformation business happen when I was 21 so that by the time I reached 30 I would be a highly enlightened soul,happily married with a bunch of equally enlightened kids and a highly evolved husband.You see then I would by now be doing the work I love,making enough money ,helping humankind.We would be eco-friendly,oozing sunshine and light ....but noooooooooo.I chose to travel this rough terrain.I chose the hard ,long winding ,messy road and it`s making me very angry.I am...years of age and at this rateI will be 99 before I become all of the above(without the bunch of kids as my son would be an old man himself)

Having said this though I know the choice is still mine.I know I need to stop the resistance,the fighting of what is.I know that when I am accepting of everything things will get so much easier.I just know.I just need to do as Im `told` like I did when I went to Barcelona on my own,on a whim and wept when I visited the famous Gaudi creation..The La Sagrda Familia and returned feeling ...well...feeling

The woman who sang for me

She is on" Britain`s Got Talent".She has curly somewhat unruly hair.She is curvy,she is vivacious and I know what we ALL thought when came on.I said to myself"here we go again"and I remember Simon Cowell saying something like "what`s the dream" and I think he must have meant literally.After a long pause this dynamo opened her mouth and the most powerful,sweet,honey like voice came through and stunned everyone.I could see the absolute shock on the judges` faces.The audience went wild.Ant and Dec became even more animated but most of all I felt like Susan Boyle was singing for me and to me!..Me sitting on the sofa and wandering about the big dreams that I`ve been dreaming..a small practice to begin with,just round the corner from my place,a place for me to practice my coaching/spiritual healing and whatever else my spirit planned for me.Me who wants a cottage in the country with my lovely husband,helping troubled young adults.Me who wants her book published.Me who wants to make enough money to to all the above.Well this gorgeous curvacious soul of a woman sang her heart for me( and everyone else) who have dreams but dont yet know how we are going to achieve them.She gave me hope,she gave me courage and she inspired faith.

To Susan Boyle...I wish you every success and hope your dreams come true.Britan`s Got Talent indeed

soul series

I tuned into Oprah`s Soul Series and on it was Elizabeth Lesser who wrote the book "Broken Open".An ancient Sage said that "when the student is ready,a teacher will appear".I had ordered this book from Amazon and it had taken longer than I had anticipated to be delivered and I was annoyed.Little did I realize that had it arrived sooner I would have missed its message to me.It has arrived at the absolute right time when my feelings and emotions are totally tuned in to its messages.

LESSON FOR ME:always trust that its all happening perfectly