lessons learnt

I am completely shattered.The gods must be laughing at my stupidity.I thought they were giving me a man to love and cherish but all Ive incurred is pain and humiliation.I can only learn from this situation.The lesson being remain open to love and live life to the full.There is nothing to fear anymore.If I can go thru this amount of humiliation then nothing else matters.

I know life will never be the same again.I have never had anyone invoke such intense feelings in me before,I may never feel this way again but what I know is that I will never take life for granted ever again.I will not wait for tomorrow to do things.I will not fear anything anymore.I felt extreme love,life,fear and pain all in a space of one week.This is my wake up call.Life is now and it is to be lived.I have to be alive.I have to do what I want to do.I cant put things off anymore.He was not sent to me to be my lover but he was a messenger of life.He was sent to jolt me out of unconsciousness and lethargy and apathy..to ensure that I live life to the fullest.No more excuses,no more fear,no more half hearted attempts at life.

The brick hurt so badly so as to awaken me.Never will I be complacent again therefore instead of being angry I should be thanking Ondre for waking me up from the dead.Farewell my dear!!!!!!!!!!

Oh I get it!

Iwas thinking to myself..what have you done to me,I can`t eat,I cannot sleep and I`m not the same anymore...oh ok it`s Anita Baker who sang this( Body and Soul) but this is how I have been feeling .My sister thinks its hilarious as I am known as the ice maiden,unthawable.I think that has been the problem though.Its not that I am unthawable but blooming scared.I have only just figured this out overnight...well,yes,I am not sleeping well at all.The more HE pays me compliments and is being keen the more I want to run but run I won`t.I have done enough work on myself to now identify issues and patterns of the past.I have decided that I do have fear of intimacy because it brings out all the issues of my past.I am scared of rejection,of letting myself be vulnerable,of falling flat on my face,but guess what...bring it on.

I know what I want and I want him...so its time to stop running.Its time to be brave,its time to let love/life in.This ice maiden is fast becoming warm and fuzzy.Watch this space xxx

2010

At which point I know Im hooked.How can it be that a man looking for love `accidentally`calls my number and a few days after I had declared myself available,if not desperate.I think to myself,the Gods must be crazy! They have obviously been listening and tuning into my thoughts and thought..ya,we will sort you out mrs!

The story is..my sister and I were at a wedding reception on Saturday the 9th of January 2010 and I noticed that I had a missed call from a number I did not recognize so I called the number to some strange guy who thought that I had called him in response to his advert...and ...listen to this,I thought he said `swingers` but he had said singles advert.Fat chance.Well we got talking anyway and one thing led to another and now we`ve been on a date.

You`d think I would be nervous after a looooong spell of self imposed singledom.I quite fancied myself really and knew that he would fancy me too.Its amazing what therapy,life coaching and spiritual healing can do for a girl`s confidence!

Well,dare I say it was love at first sight for me and now I`m like a love sick puppy.I can`t eat(good for the figure) and I can`t sleep(bad for the eyes,bags and all).The good thing is that I think he REALLY likes me.Well I really like him.

This brings me to the issue of my long self imposed celibacy which ended( not by deed) on the 1/11/09.How will I cope.Am I a bit too fast in thinking about that? Really though,I cant wait.What`s a girl to do if a guy is handpicked and handdelivered by the Gods.I simply cant say no now can I?